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Treat me, others and yourself with respect and good manners and we will get on.

We might not agree all the time, have opposing opinions which might sometimes mean tension but ultimately, as long as you treat people respectfully we will be able to work effectively together. I suspect that’s the same for most people.

Now obviously people are all different in the way they express themselves, with traits and flaws; I may myself have the odd one... Sometimes the way I use humour to diffuse or break the ice may not work for everyone. I need to be aware of that. I learnt an important lesson early on about how your intention can be misunderstood. At a training event I was mortified, to learn that my enthusiastic questioning had initially been read as negative, disruptive behaviour. This was the complete opposite of reality as I was completely engaged! That moment has stuck with me as a reminder that our individual responses to the same content can be different and not always received in the way they were intended. What can be funny to one person can be demeaning to another. We need to remember this and not be so quick to judge based on our own expected reactions.

Now with that said I think there is still a line that separates an unexpected, unnecessary expression of emotion and the completely unacceptable. For example, being frustrated at a situation NEVER gives someone permission to be abusive in any form. And I think the majority of us take that as a given. The public reaction that we see to some of the terrible prejudice and injustice that is still all too prevalent in the world demonstrates that there is a general consensus on what is right and plain unacceptable. 

What I want to talk about is the type of behaviour that seems to be tolerated even though it’s not really acceptable for most people. There are individuals I have worked with across the years who I am told ‘just have their way’; often people in key roles who have become critical and ‘irreplaceable’. These people may well have had their poor behaviours raised with them but without much real positive change seen by those impacted.


It's the person who thinks it’s ok to publicly embarrass people. It’s the undertone of superiority or subtle misogyny. It’s the simple bad manners and disrespect. It’s that moment in a meeting when you all wince at the way someone is being called out. It's the use of specific words or tone to intimidate to make a point.


Examples I’ve witnessed include:


  • People being told to ‘go away, I don’t have time for your inane questions’
  • Colleagues taking bets before a meeting on who’s turn it is for the verbal beating
  • Not replying to emails from anyone not considered important enough
  • Not bothering to attend meetings, sometimes not even responding to invites
  • Being so much busier than everyone else that you have an excuse (for anything)
  • Those people who lay down the law but are above it, leading by mis-example


I suspect you, my reader, can also call out examples.

So why do we condone poor behaviour of some in the office? Why do we say ‘I know it’s unacceptable and I’ve spoken to them and I’m monitoring it’ but there is no apparent change to their behaviour to colleagues? Are we hostage to these behaviours for the greater good? Is that ok? Where is the line?

 

As I noted initially, we will all have our moments and we should be forgiven (on the whole) these moments. And, of course, we should check out the potential drivers for this behaviour, there may well be an underlying cause which requires real attention and support. When, however, the behaviour is consistent, repeated, sustained over a period of time and a ‘reputation’ in place I think we’ve probably gone over the line. Sometimes I think that these are just plain bad behaviours. And we let them happen. And we say it’s not ok but still let them happen. And to others, seeing these bad behaviours apparently condoned, this is not good for morale or a healthy culture.


And what might be indicators that we are ‘allowing’ bad behaviours?


  • ‘I know he never turns up to meetings but what would we do without him’
  • ‘it’s just her way, she doesn’t mean it’
  • ‘look, they are really busy, I’m sure they will sort it when they get time’
  • ‘I know that’s the process we agreed but this is different’
  • ‘They shouldn’t have done it (again) but these are exceptional times’
  • ‘Just ignore it, you focus on what you have to do’

So how do we ‘fix’ this? There are some really great models and techniques for managing feedback to people and addressing these behaviours in an appropriate way. The dilemma is how do we practically, consistently and fairly ensure that people are all treated in the same way? How do we make sure we forgive the ‘moments’ but stand firm on sustained disrespectful behaviour. How do we keep our key people engaged and delivering without compromising the whole integrity of the organisation’s culture?


  • We have to make it ok to call it out.
  • When we hear about, and witness, bad behaviour we have to take action.
  • We also need to look to ourselves and make sure we are leading by example.


If people don’t want to align with the organisation's way of working and corrupt evolving values, we should be asking if they really are an irreplaceable asset.


We shouldn’t be giving power to the bullies.


Footnote: When I first wrote this article, it was just before the Priti Patel bullying review was shared with the public. A strange coincidence but what an example.

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